Give King Kaguta 100-mile strip, or risk Kenyans being kept in the cooler for keeps
Peter Kimani
By
Peter Kimani
| Nov 14, 2025
King Yoweri Kaguta Museveni aka M7, the life Prezzo of the Matooke Republic of Uganda, the Marxist rebel whose traded fatigues for sombreros, and whose liberation mantra has been to enrich himself and his lineage for the last 40 years, has declared war with our beloved country.
This is a paraphrase of his war edict, delivered on a State broadcaster that he controls: “People go to war for less crimes, so I have been exceedingly patient all these years for not demanding access to the ocean sooner. How am I supposed to build navy capabilities to defend our borders when I cannot access the ocean? And how should I export matooke, which sprout from every inch our earth, if Uganda is land-locked?”
Despite his advancing age, at 81, M7 remains remarkably lucid, so these were not convulsions from a senile, old man, but an articulate declaration of war with Nairobi. Only a moon ago, his only begotten son, Muhoozi, the man who commands army attention by a mere cough, declared that he would capture Nairobi.
Muhoozi tweeted once Nairobi was under his heel, he would walk his comely wife—he purports she’s the most beautiful woman in the world, and I’m inclined to agree because a contrary view would land you in the cooler — and ask her to pick a residence of her choice from the spoils of war.
Now the senior M7 has expressed a grand vision of annihilating Kenya from the face of the earth by annexing its land, from the river to the sea, much the same way his predecessor, Idi Amin Dada, declared he’d move the national borders to Naivasha.
I’m not too worried about the prospects of M7’s land-grab, as I am about his refrigeration business, given the number of his own citizens that he’s put away, such as Kizza Besigye, the opposition leader who once served as M7’s personal doctor, before falling out for personal reasons.
It is very perplexing that when M7 speaks as clearly as he does, our so-called diplomats have been falling over themselves to explain his mad rants—I nearly said madness, but I’m respectful because of M7’s age.
The Foreign Principal Secretary Korir Sing’oie delivered, in that fake, forced and foreign accent, a mishmash of incongruities that meant, nothing really, but which seemed to justify the abduction and torture of Kenyan citizens for 38 days.
And after all those days of resoundingi silence, the Prime Cabinet Blah-Blah Secretary, Musalia Mudavadi aka MaDvD, suddenly found his voice, one would think he’s a battery-operated tape recorder, echoing his well-rehashed line: Kenyans are putting themselves in harm’s way by “exporting” their bad behaviour abroad.
It’s a startling capitulation to despots within the region that we saw when Bonnie Mwangi and Uganda’s Agather Atuhaire were abducted by Samia Suluhu Hassan’s goons, before those same goons were unleashed on Tanzanians a fortnight ago.
This attitude was fortified when Prezzo Bill Ruto started consulting M7 on political longevity, joining M7 as he grazed his long-horned cattle in his rural home. This has probably has fanned M7’s convictions that he can ride roughshod over Kenya and Kenyans and get away with it.
Incidentally, Prezzo Ruto has fully embraced the monikers “Wantam” to mean “one term,” as well as “Kasongo,” which means dodgy or shifty, scoffing at critics that invoking such terms will not get him out of power.
His new line that the opposition lack “akili” is an interesting line of attack since he has internalised attributes that others use to define him, which psychologists warn can have adverse impact on one’s well-being. The same professionals warn about what they call projection.
As it was in the beginning, when the Brits acquiesced to the Sultan of Zanzibar to allow a ten-mile strip of political autonomy, so must we grant M7, the life Prezzo of Uganda a 100-mile strip to access the sea, or risk consigning the 55 million Kenyans to the coolers of Kampala, for keeps.