The silent struggles of men defiled in childhood

Francis Ouko (not his real name) wipes a cascade of sweat dripping across his face as he glances at his five-year-old son.

At a glance, the fatherly love is evident as he flashes a smile with pride to his firstborn son. To him, his son assures him of the continuity of his lineage and a blessing that has brought him joy, comfort, and strength.

Beneath his smile, however, the 36-year-old is fighting a ghost that has haunted him for the last 22 years. The trauma of being subjected to defilement at a tender age.

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He is among several men who are suffering in silence after they were subjected to defilement when they were young. In a society where gender norms are still an obstacle to justice, many survivors struggle with the guilt of shame.

Some claim they are unable to share with their spouses the experiences they went through for fear of breaking their marriages.

According to the Kenya Demographic and Health Survey 2022, although the prevalence of sexual violence against men and young boys is low, four per cent of men aged between 15 and 19 years old experienced sexual violence.

Some of the victims of defilement have contracted HIV in the process.

Data from the Ministry of Health shows that an estimated 98 new HIV infections among adolescents aged 10-19 occur every week in Kenya.

In 2022, the country recorded 22, 000 new HIV infections, 4, with 464 new HIV infections being recorded among children aged between 0-14, while 3, 244 cases were among those aged between 10-19.

The number of adolescents aged between 15-24 recording new HIV infections stood at 7, 304, accounting for 41 per cent of cases reported in 2022.

Ouko is a survivor of defilement by his uncle. The incident happened when he was only 14 years old but the memories of the traumatizing experience are yet to fade away.

He says there are days he experiences mental breakdowns and struggles to sleep.

For several years, he had kept it as a top secret as he struggled to overcome the stigma associated with the defilement of boys and the trauma associated with it.

“It has been a struggle. It is important that men who undergo such experiences should undergo counselling,” he says.

Society often perceives men primarily as perpetrators; however, government studies have shown that men can also be victims in need of support from their families, spouses, and friends.

The situation is made worse by the lack of safe houses to accommodate young boys subjected to sexual assaults and men grappling with Gender Based Violence (GBV) in Nyanza.

In Kisumu, for instance, several efforts to build safe houses to accommodate victims of GBV have never seen the light of the day, with survivors forced to rely on private facilities.

When The Standard caught up with Ouko at his home in Nyakach in Kisumu, he was in an upbeat mood but this quickly faded when we settled down to talk about defilement and how it affects men.

“The road to recovery is not an easy journey. It is an experience that can break even the toughest human being and it is important to have a recovery plan in place,” he says.

According to him, he has endured several years of tears, mockery, insults from friends, and heartbreaks from past spouses after he shared how he was defiled and the mental damage it has done to him.

For him, his uncle whom he had hoped would protect him and mentor him to succeed in school was his abuser.

"This is somebody I had respected and looked up to.  A relative who was also a leader within the church, “he says.

What had been a simple meeting by some visitors at their home, turned horrific after he went to spend the night at his uncle’s home.

He claims the visitors spent the night at their home and he was forced to seek an alternative place to spend the night.

“There was nowhere else to sleep and I had to share the bed with him. In the process, he grabbed me and forcefully removed my clothes and defiled me,” he narrates.

He adds that he was afraid to tell his parents what transpired and feared his parents would not believe him since his uncle was a preacher in church and was respected by their clan.

The incident was not isolated as the uncle abused him again on two other occasions while threatening him not to share it with anyone.

 “It was traumatising. I always felt like opening up to someone but I had my reservations and feared that someone would judge me negatively,” he says.

A decision to share his silent struggle with his girlfriend several years later opened fresh trauma as the girlfriend mocked him and claimed he was gay.

The same ghost would return about 8 years later when he opted to share the same with his ex-wife, who also dismissed him.

Today, he runs an organization based in Kisumu that is creating awareness of the dangers of GBV and its mental impact on victims.

“I believe I have a role to play to help other victims who may be suffering silently,” he says.

Fredrick Odhiambo (not his real name), another survivor, believes counties and the national government should provide support for victims of defilement.

“I was defiled while in Form Two at one of the schools in Kisumu in 2016 and I still tremble whenever I recall the predicament I went through,” he says.

Similarly, Philip Owino (not his real name) claims he was infected with HIV after he was sexually assaulted by a neighbour in Manyatta.

He says the incident happened in 2018 when he had just completed High School and was preparing to join the university to pursue a course in nursing.

"I was sexually assaulted by a friend after they spiked my drink. It has been a terrible experience," he says.

For him, he claims he is lucky to have found a support group that helps him with his recovery process.

His situation highlights the fate that some of the survivors of defilement and rape go through after the attacks.

Tuli Tulitu, a Kisumu-based gender equality activist says that Gender-based Violence is common to women than men. 

She argues that men tend to keep quiet because of cultural stereotypes about masculinity. In the African culture, it is perceived as a weakness when men complain that their women harass them.

"The reason why 90 per cent of GBV cases go unreported is cultural because men fear being referred to as weak, they opt to suffer quietly yet the majority of them are abused both emotionally and physically, "she says.

In retrogressive cultures, men are often confined to traditional roles associated with power dynamics. However, Article 27 of the Kenyan Constitution recognizes the equality of men and women, establishing that all individuals are equal before the law and in society.

Dr Osir Otteng, a health communication lecturer at Maseno University, blames society for judging men whenever they report their cases.

"It is a shame that men cannot report to police when abused for fear of being laughed at. No man wants to be the first person to report that he is going through violence," he says.

In June 2021, the government rolled out an ambitious effort to end Gender-Based Violence (GBV) including sexual violence by 2026. The plan, however, focuses heavily on violence against women.

But other agencies across the country are making efforts to support victims of GBV.

In June this year, for instance, at least 21,317 youths benefited from the Jiinue Growth Programme, which empowers them to do successful businesses.

According to Maurice Owino, a GBV activist, men should pursue programs to promote the rights of boys.

“There are several programs to empower girls. The same should also be done to support young boys and this will help them to speak out,” he says.

Owino believes that Gender desks in police stations should also have men who have undergone training in counselling to help victims who are afraid to share their predicaments to female police officers.