Kenyans grieve their lost kin, even as Murkomen circles in useless legalese

For a man who prefers clean-cut suits and clean pates, navigating life with the precision of his four-million shillings Rolex watch, Onesimus Kipchumba Murkomen is an obtuse, vague man whose ramblings fizzle in a compendium of inanities.

That’s kizungu mingi for what Kenyans would sum up in two words: bure kabisa. But since I am respectful, even a little fearful of Murkomen’s immense power—the man enjoys the rigmarole of uniformed officers lining up to salute him wherever he goes—I’ll let the man speak for himself.

He was on Citizen TV on Wednesday night to “explain” what Prezzo Bill Ruto meant when he declared, earlier in the week, that young Kenyans who had been disappeared by his government during last June’s Gen-Z protests had safely been returned to their families.

On that occasion, Prezzo Ruto was similarly garbed in a clean-cut suit and near-clean pate, his right hand somewhat restrained from puncturing the air too violently, so he lifted it gently and furrowed his face. “All of them uuuhmmm have been brought back to their families and to their homes and I have given clarity and firm instruction that nothing of that kind will happen again.”

“Nothing of that kind” is a dodgy refrain from applying the “A” word, abduction, a cowardly act that saw dozens of youths, many of whom remain unaccounted for, nabbed and tortured by police.

“The real technical eeeeeeee word to be used for eeeeee is missing persons,” Murkomen started, circling around different legal permutations—as if we care—before concluding abduction is only used “when you find someone who’s culpable.”

Let’s pause for a moment and consider that inference. When Prezzo Ruto declared that all those in government custody had been safely returned to their families, and that “nothing of that kind will happen again,” had he identified the culprits?

As far as we know, no officers, uniformed or otherwise, those who salute for Murkomen or otherwise, have been brought before a competent or incompetent court of law, to face the charge of abduction.

What we know is that the former Attorney General, Justin Muturi, who Prezzo Ruto declared incompetent, told the nation it took the personal intervention of Prezzo Ruto to secure his son’s release, following his abduction.

Murkomen shifted in his seat, glanced at a document by his side, before continuing: “The President could not have lied to the public because the truth is there are reports of missing persons,” then elaborated on the numbers of those missing, way back to the last seven years.

This is a useful trope called equivalence, so that on the scale of wrongs, one is able to articulate how one’s atrocities compare to their forebears. So, Murkomen rolled the figures, with quite some precision: Some 700 people were reported missing over the last seven years; 123 were missing last year;13 reported missing this year.

This is full verbatim of the threads of claims kneaded into a mishmash of mathogothanio. “It’s only investigation that will reveal whether somebody had been eeee is it eeeeeeee eeee abduction or it is a case of eeeee somebody running away from the country for example I was in Parliament the other day to answer cases of persons who were trafficked out of the country and they would be within the column of missing persons until investigations are done.”

Running. Trafficking. Parliament. Missing. Abduction. It’s so hard keeping up with Murkomen’s running mouth, but it’s possibly harder to stop him, so he went on.

“By President saying eeeee he’s given directive to the security agencies that he does not want to hear about cases of abductions it is true because there were cases of abductions where citizens especially early this year late last year early this year recorded statements that they had been abducted…”

Lord have mercy!