Waziri retreated to pristine beaches, but his ears foiled the vacation

Retreating to the Kenyan coast, which boasts several of the world’s finest beaches, should have bought Interior Cabinet Secretary Kipchumba Murkomen peace and quiet.

The ambient murmurs of the ocean and a calming breeze would make for a perfect walk along the white sandy beaches of Diani, Mombasa and Watamu, and wherever else Bwana Waziri spent the past week.

Miles away from the noisy capital, Murkomen would have shut the world out. Perhaps his only worry would have been getting as much sun to hit every part of his hairless, planet-shaped head, now used to the wetness of Nairobi. 

Given his love for all that glitters, Bwana Mkuu must have spent his nights at plush beachfront hotels, which serve not the traditional coastal dishes, but some bland, overpriced ‘cuisine.’

His rooms would have had state-of-the-art soundproofing to keep the neighbours from finding out his nocturnal rituals. Perhaps he snores, and it would help if that detail could stay hidden.

Undoubtedly, the 46-year-old was having a nice time for the most part. He had a giant – Gilbert Masengeli, the Deputy Inspector General of Police —  for a bodyguard for most of his coastal tour. Bwana Waziri had governors for chauffeurs and valets — driving him to his destinations and welcoming them there.

But Murkomen sucks at letting loose. While he should have focused on making the most of the brief holiday, the Waziri was busy paying attention to strange voices, which is hardly his fault, given the size of his ears, a sign of the Good Lord’s generosity.

Although not as grand as his boss’s, they are large enough to have made a younger Murkomen a soft target for mchongoano. So it is understandable that the soundproofing would not help him much in keeping out the noise.

Last week has been particularly noisy. The week began with rantings from former Deputy President Rigathi Gachagua, who is yet to move on from his breakup with President William Ruto. He spoke days after Justin Muturi, a man who bears several formers (Public Service Cabinet Secretary, Attorney-General, National Assembly Speaker and Siakago Mheshimiwa) played the saint by claiming his offices were corruption-free zones.

It was Muturi’s words — claims that he had secured key State documents that prove Ruto to be “irredeemably corrupt” –  which seemed to hurt Murkomen more.

“He has said he has kept government documents in (his) e-mail. In another country, he could have been arrested… In the Yues, for example, if those documents are in your email, it is a serious national security issue,” Murkomen said in an interview conducted by the Indian Ocean’s shores Tuesday evening.

It goes without saying that there are better things to do at the coast than make empty threats. While there, he should perhaps seek methods of dealing with Muturi traditionally. Coasterians can be rather creative. The week ended with noise, or rather, echoes. The loudest, undoubtedly, was the sound of silence that Simon and Garfunke sang about in 1964, which only made sense on Thursday.

Gagged from staging their play at the National Drama Festivals in Nakuru, students from the Butere Girls High School protested by singing the national anthem and staging a walk-out.

If their play, ‘‘Echoes of War, written by former Kakamega Senator Cleophas Malala, had rattled the government, then the silence of the school girls made them sweat. So much so that they deployed tear gas against the girls to get some sound out of them. If they were not going to make their voices heard on stage, at least they could cough up. Anything to get their mouths open.

Our good Waziri has yet to issue a statement about whether 13 to 17-year-olds would be tear-gassed for staging a play “in any other country.”

He only seemed concerned about getting the word out that the government is not “threatened” by a play. Perhaps if he tells himself that lie enough times, he could end up believing it.

Their only beef, Waziri has claimed, is that the play was written by a politician, a point his Education counterpart John Migos Ogamba also made. By deciding what play will be staged — the two conveniently omit the fact that they are essentially “writing” plays, too. And that they are politicians! It seems strange that Murkomen has been the most vocal about the play, essentially taking up a cross that Ogamba should have carried.