Where there are no grandparents

“What children need most are the essentials that grandparents provide in abundance. They give unconditional love, kindness, patience, humour, comfort, lessons in life, and, most importantly, cookies.” ~Rudolph Giuliani

There is an African proverb that says, “It takes a village to raise a child.” Grandparents are often considered the mainstays in this village, meaning that in African society, grandparents play a crucial role in the parenting journey.

Not anymore. To parents like Sophia Kioko, a single mother of two boys - Raymond and Liam aged eleven and fifteen, the times are different.

They do not have any grandparents and have been born and bred in the city, tens of kilometres away from their Mwala rural home.

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READ: Five things you should do with your grandparents before they die

Being the only girl in the family, she was pampered the most.

However, her dreams later in life became a mirage as in a decade, she had lost her parents and as fate would have it, she married her college sweetheart, who was orphaned at an early age. She lost him five years into the marriage.

Sophia, 41, has brought up her children singlehandedly within the city environment, except for when they take vacations. Raymond and Liam have missed out on all the juiciness of grandparents.

She says she never went to the village, until three years ago upon her therapist’s recommendation.

“The children found foster grandparents among circles of my relatives, friends, and even my church communities, but as they got older, they have learnt that these cannot replace real grandparents,” says Sophia.

She says it has been a difficult journey, and sometimes the family has grieved for the loss of “my parents, and them for the loss of their grandparents,”.

READ: Take your children upcountry, let them bond with grandparents

Research indicates that grandparents are pivotal in families and play important roles like providing emotional support and wisdom, acting as caregivers, resolving conflicts, and earning them the title of family stabilisers (family watchdogs).

Catherine Mgendi, a physiotherapist says there are many reasons why many parents today are raising families in the absence of grandparents, including death, distance, or estrangement.

“The absent grandparent's situation is due to various changes in family setups like rural-urban migration of young couples, greater disharmony between parents and grandparents, high separation and divorce cases - between parents and even grandparents, all of which are weakening the family institution,” she says.

The therapist says that with these dynamics, fewer grandparents get to be real grandparents in the real sense of the word in the lives of their grandchildren, and whatever the reason, it can be challenging, and can create stress and worry.

According to Sophia’s life experience of parenting without grandparents, she has learnt how to cope.

She says before she sought intervention, she had instances of increased stress, burnout, and financial strain.

ALSO READ: Deadbeat mothers: Women who dump their children on grandparents to raise them

“Coping without grandparents in the picture often means creating the village yourself, and enlisting help from community members, friends, and other extended family members,” says the mother of two.

She says if grandparents are unavailable for whatever reason, parents should consider calling on extended family such as aunts, uncles, and cousins to build a sense of community for the children.

“Creating a family culture in which children can rest in the unconditional love of their village, near and far, can go a very long way in fostering a positive environment,” says Sophia.

Not having a grandparent in the picture can present challenges.

“Facing the challenges of parenting without grandparents involves managing significant emotional and logistical burdens,” says Sophia.