Why women are not to blame for male loneliness epidemic

In recent years, headlines have warned of a growing “male loneliness epidemic,” often framing men as uniquely abandoned and romantically invisible. Modern society, we are told, has stripped men of intimacy and belonging. One is compelled to agree with this notion, especially when reported suicide rates point to higher numbers of men dying than women.

As well, society is more and more taking note of mental health concerns, especially amongst the male population. However, it is odd that the emotional plight of men is boiled down to loneliness, whose subtext, when uncovered, seems to blame women for not partnering with these men and taking them out of their misery.

But are women really at fault for the abandonment of men? An examination of social spaces seems to point to a different reality. A few months ago, social media was abuzz with observations that popular outdoor events were overwhelmingly frequented by women, with very few men showing up.

The reasons given by men for this phenomenon were myriad, but many insisted that men were simply finally becoming more mature, opting out of frivolous pursuits, and focusing on themselves and their goals. On the face of it, this explanation sounds stoic and reasonable, but what we know of predominant male ideology in this day and age encourages solitary behaviour under the guise of liberation.

A significant portion of what is being described as a loneliness epidemic may, therefore, in fact be the predictable outcome of a cultural shift in which many men, influenced by ‘red pill’ ideology, the ‘manosphere’, and adjacent online movements, have consciously opted out of mutual social participation, particularly in their relationships with women.

Over the past decade, large online ecosystems have promoted the idea that men are oppressed by feminism, exploited by women, and better off withdrawing emotionally or romantically from them. In these spaces, women are frequently portrayed not as partners or equals, but as adversaries who are hypergamous and manipulative. The logical conclusion of this worldview is disengagement.

As a consequence, the past weekend has portrayed an equally bleak picture. Whilst Valentine’s Day, like so many other holidays we celebrate, is not a part of the African culture, it has been common in the past to witness men and women across the city of Nairobi walking past in red outfits, holding hands, and with the woman perhaps carrying a delicate red rose gifted to her by her man. Those with the financial wherewithal have been known to go out for fine dining experiences, and overall, the hospitality, horticulture, and confectionery industries fare pretty well even in Kenya. With this trend, one would expect that Valentine’s Day falling on a weekend would have encouraged much fanfare and merrymaking amongst lovers.

The reality has been a little different. Whilst some canoodling was seen here and there over the weekend, events dedicated to lovers were largely dominated by women, with men opting out and appearing in the minority.

Whilst economic pressures and changing relationship norms play a role, cultural messaging within certain male-dominated online spaces cannot be ignored. In many of these forums, Valentine’s Day, and indeed any interaction with women that taps into the emotional, is framed as a humiliating exercise in male servitude.

It would consequently appear that, after listening to what is considered sage advice from their erstwhile peers, the men have totally disengaged from any spaces that would include women and the covert messaging of romantic love in them. One would shudder to think that, with the spate of ever-increasing femicide cases in Kenya, men have started to truly hate the women that they should love and celebrate.

When men internalise the belief that women are enemies or liabilities, they do not merely change their dating strategies. They withdraw from social rituals that rely on mutual affection and vulnerability. Social isolation, as we are continuing to witness, increases. This ultimately leads to a deepening resentment, as men fight against their instinct to connect on a human and romantic level; to tap into the emotions that they have been taught to completely shut off.

It is also worth noting that loneliness is not uniquely male. Women report loneliness at significant rates as well, but they are less likely to frame it as a political grievance against men as a class.

Ms. Njahira is an international lawyer